Reflections on My Due Date

My due date came and went three days ago, and I am still pregnant, large, and not-really-in-charge. And I've been doing a lot of reflecting on life.

I should probably preface my next sentiment by saying that there are scads of women in this world who I am sure have harder pregnancies than mine. Yes, I feel pretty darn lousy for a few months in the beginning, but I almost never throw up. Yes, I experience lots of other aches and pains throughout the nine months, but I am sure there are lots of women whose experiences are worse than mine. So the last few weeks whenever I have started to think I was a little bit miserable (such as when the kids and I came down with bad colds at 37-1/2 weeks along), I have reminded myself that I chose this because I think our children are worth it. They are. And that little thought always pulls me out of my pity party in a hurry.

I wish I always felt so cheery about life's challenges. But the fact is that some miseries in life aren't our choice and never would be. Sometimes life presents true anguish and heartache. Some hard times don't have a silver lining like a beautiful new baby to snuggle. That was certainly how my cancer felt for a few years.

Recently we attended the wedding of Cameron's brother, where we enjoyed seeing and catching up with lots of relatives who we don't see often enough. Among them were Cameron's aunt and uncle who opened their home and took such good care of us when we had to go to California for my cancer treatment. During one conversation we had with them, Cameron's uncle recalled the terrible trauma of my cancer experience. I responded with something like the following:

"When I look back now, I don't remember the trauma much anymore. I see the miracles and blessings and how much I've learned. I think any trial can become a blessing if we let it."

Of course, getting to this place of peace was no easy road. But as I look back through the last few years, I see how God put the right people and experiences in my path to bring me healing. And I know that I am safe in His hands.

"Behold, I have graven thee upon palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:16

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We do not know what the future holds. But we know who holds the future. 

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"The center of His will is our only safety" --The Hiding Place

I do not know all the reasons why I got to have cancer. But I know if I walk with God, He will show me. And I will marvel at His plan.

I do not know when my baby will come. But I know we are both in His hands. And though I may be tired and huge, being in His hands is still the best place to be.

Nesting, Nesting, 1,2,3

Nesting around here is taking on different forms for each of us. I feel like I spend most of my time sitting around feeling pregnant and hot and eating lots of popsicles, pudding pops, and otter pops. When the occasional burst of energy hits I wash all the curtains in the house, reorganize closets, or prepare baby clothes.

Jake likes to hug and kiss my belly every day and tell the baby he loves her. (He asked if she could hear him. I, of course, reassured him that she can. After all, he is her only brother.)

Grace and Abby have caught on the baby-wearing trend and were recently seen caring for their "offspring" in this manner:

I don't know if we'll truly be ready when the baby comes. But we're enjoying the anticipation.

Drum Roll Please...

I know you've all been waiting on the edges of your seats for this news...

As it happens, Baby #4 is going to be another little princess. Abby is excited. Jake is adjusting to the idea that he isn't getting a new wrestling partner this year. Grace is somewhat oblivious. Cameron's first comment was that he is going to need to learn how to french braid.

For now, here are a couple pics of Her Royal Highness.

Are those eyes going to be blue?

Cute little baby feet.

We are getting pretty darn excited for her arrival. Too bad we (read: I) have to get through the heat of summer first.

Motherhood Love, Joy, and Sacrifice

When I was pregnant with Jake I looked around in sheer awe at all the women I knew who had more than one child. I was miserably sick (though not as miserably sick as some women), and I couldn't believe women would endure such suffering multiple times.

A couple years later when I was pregnant with Abby I was once again sick and miserable. But this time I would look at my sweet toddler Jacob and think to myself, "It's worth it. It's worth it. It's all worth it." By then I was starting to suspect that there was a purpose behind the miseries of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.

Motherhood is governed by the same law as the rest of life: we care more about the things we work for. So if we spend a few months feeling pregnant and miserable, or a few years wondering if we will ever be blessed with a child, perhaps we are being silently, slowly, imperceptibly transformed from women with slightly more self-centered motives to mothers--people who are called upon at all times of day and night to care for little people who can't provide for themselves. Our souls are being stretched to love another person with a love that is more pure and deep than any other force on earth. We become mothers through our sacrifices.

I have thought of that concept the past few weeks as I have wished that my morning sickness would go away. The house hasn't been as clean because I have been too sick to care. And I have spent lots of time lounging on the couch because I have been too tired to do much else. So I have sat and read books, snuggled my kids, told them how much I love them, and gazed with wonder into their precious faces. I have marveled at the beauty of motherhood, that I am allowed the privilege of getting to know these delightful little souls who are entrusted to my care. It is a beautiful journey and a sacred trust.

I have also thought about joy. I feel joy when I look into the faces of my children, and the beauty of their little eyes, cheeks, noses, and mouths takes my breath away. I feel joy when they play nicely together, share, help, and comfort each other, and I rejoice in the choice we have made to give them another little sibling to love. I feel joy when they know I am sick and offer to bring me a snack or let me rest a while. I take joy in the little moments of motherhood that I might otherwise be too hurried to even notice.

The pains and sacrifices of motherhood and the joy of motherhood are just two separate sides of the same coin. And I rejoice that I can sacrifice and be on the journey of motherhood. I thank heaven for little children--for my children--and that I can be their mother. Yes, it is worth it. All of it. Even morning sickness.

Adventures in Morning Sickness

Tuesday, January 8, approximately 7:30 am.

Cameron was at work. I was pregnant, tired, nauseated, and staggering around the kitchen trying to prepare breakfast for my hungry masses. So when Grace started picking and eating candy off the gingerbread men that somehow weren't thrown away the previous week with the other Christmas stuff, I was too sick to care.

Minutes later all three kids were eating old, stale gingerbread pieces the size of their heads. All of this before breakfast. I didn't even flinch.

Gotta love the way Grace is helping herself to the cupboard here

Morning sickness isn't all bad. Just ask my kids.

Stretch Marks

Several weeks ago we sat at dinner with some friends who have struggled for years with infertility. They are currently in the process of trying to adopt a foster child, but it is a long, hard road. They posed a question about whether they would be ready for a child.

“You’re never really ready to be a parent,” we quickly jumped in. “Parenthood is like a mission. It doesn’t matter how many classes you take or books you read—nothing prepares you for what it’s really like.” You get there, jump in with two feet and an open heart, and the Lord molds you for the burden. And you quickly see just how much you need Him.

At our house we are eagerly awaiting the arrival of baby #4 at the end of the summer. We are excited. We feel so blessed that the Lord is sending us another child. Will we be ready? Is anyone ever truly ready to be completely responsible for the care, teaching, and nurturing of another person? No. We will try to prepare. Then we will get there and the Lord’s grace will carry us.

We don’t have children because we are incredibly prepared or unusually bright or talented or capable. We don’t have children because it’s easy or convenient. We have children because we are so completely in love with each other and the kids we have and we want to have more. We have children because we believe that one of the nicest things you can do for your kids is to give them siblings.

We have children because we trust His will. We trust that as we grope through the darkness we will find His hand. He will lead us to the light. We will come to know Him better as we learn to love and care for the precious souls He entrusts to our care.

The decision to have a child is a decision to be stretched—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is a decision to grow. But the child is His and He will walk with us. And we will need Him.