Growing Pains

Third trimester is here, and boy can I tell.

Some mornings I wake up with a delicious sense of excitement. I may be weeks away from my due date, but I can't help fantasizing about what it will be like to have another sweet little newborn to snuggle and hold. I wonder when she will be born, what her temperament will be, and how our family will change and grow in the process.

Still other moments I feel so fatigued and wonder how I will care for another little person--especially while Cameron is still in school. When I was pregnant with Jake a coworker told me a well-meaning but vicious lie. Seeing how tired I was at the end of my pregnancy she said reassuringly, "This is the worst of it. It will be better after your baby is born." Ha! Yes, I am always tired in the third trimester, but I am always even more tired after our baby is born and I am being woken all night to care for a newborn.

Recently I was tucking Abby in one night and she said, "I don't want to grow up and be a mom."

"Why not?" I queried.

"Because I don't want to leave our house."

Growing up is scary business, whether you are contemplating leaving home and being an adult or giving birth to your fourth child. But I want to live life deliberately and with faith. It doesn't make everything easy. But it's a lot better than the alternatives.

I choose to have children and, consequently, I choose seasons of sleep deprivation and exhaustion. It is worth the sacrifice. I choose faith. I choose Cameron. I choose our marriage and family.  

Hopefully as I do our children will learn that they don't have to be afraid of the future or afraid of change. God will light the way for them one small step at a time. He doesn't ask us to grow up all in one day. He just asks for one step and one choice at a time. Choosing faith over fear. Choosing to have another child. Choosing His will.  Choosing to grow up. And knowing that He will always be there to help.